How can I raise my self-esteem if I criticise myself all the time?

Where the strict inner critic comes from

Children do not invent bad things about themselves. They repeat what they heard: “you are the eldest”, “wrong again”, “the neighbour’s daughter does it right”. Over time the phrase stops sounding foreign and becomes “this is who I am”.

That is why arguing with the critic head-on is pointless. First you need to see where the phrase came from.

What to do instead of “love yourself”

• Write down the three phrases you scold yourself with most often. Next to each, note whose voice it is: your mother’s, a teacher’s, an ex’s?
• In the evening write down three things you finished today. Anything counts: sent an email, cooked dinner, did not stay silent.
• When the critic says “you can’t do it”, answer with a question: what facts confirm that? Often there are none.
• Once a week reread your notes. Self-esteem grows on evidence, not on persuasion.

Why it does not work the first time

The critic is used to being in charge and will get louder at first. That is normal: it protects you from old judgements. After a couple of weeks of notes it becomes visible that there are more facts on your side than it seemed.

In the Ladder method such phrases show up as obstacles between you and your goal. The free diagnostic, 10 minutes from your phone with no sign-up, shows which words hold you back the most.